>:] circuitBeta

Can there ever be someone you tell everything too? Someone in your head like no one else except you. It sounds crazy to me, how could that someone ever understand what it is to be me.

To be who you are, is nothing like knowing what you are.

How much time would it take to bring it all in? How would someone such as myself begin?

Why would you do it? I am thinking of a choice, but for others it might just happen. A set of circumstances that lead to an end, an experience that takes flight simply with their voice.

This reminds me of something that happens everyday. To some degree its something we all do. Something I try to say every time I smile __ ____.

Is it a hollow thanks that is given, when it is in answer to something you cannot appreciate? Is this true for love? Can you love that which you cannot appreciate? If so, then it could be said that those who cannot appreciate anything, cannot feel thanks or love at its deepest. More of an empty thanks, an empty love.

What/Who do you appreciate?

Are you ready to love that which you do?

It felt wrong at first then it turned as my mind fell into a place it had not been. Its amazing how much can be seen, heard, and felt without ever leaving your home.

Can it be called temptation if it doesn’t leave you with the feeling that you are now missing something? If it happens enough will that which you miss, out weigh what you have? Is that the moment temptation wins? Temptation stares me down from time to time, I suppose that is why I am thinking about it, and why I know the answers are no, yes, and yes.

Biking was crazy fun today, going so fast we (Sean and I) were literally flying over parts of the trail with what seemed like little effort. Riding can be such a crazy feeling its so much better this year than any other. Its one of those things that fills you, but you never feel full. The feeling makes me think about how hunger effects goals, do goals come about through hunger?

I choose to stay hungry as my goal.

Though I don’t think you can choose such a thing, just as I couldn’t choose to end my hunger. Reminds me of sex and obviously food. These things do not seem to be choices as much as requirements to keep our bodies and minds in a balance. Balance, such a crazy word, if its all a balance then maybe hungers can be substituted for one another like variables in an equation. What I am missing in one part of my life being filled by another.

I knew if I kept poking at my brain I would end up at the obvious soon enough, it seems to always work out that way.

Later in the day my daughter was hungry, she wanted a big burger so I went to the only place near by I knew that had them, Ruff’s Giant Burgers, they seemed a lot smaller than I remember.

I have been traveling for work as of late, which is fun. I got to meet an old friend (Bridget) and meet some new people, including Angela the author. A-Train told me Rita’s water ice is da shit (I’m paraphrasing), he wasn’t foolin, I especially enjoyed the custard with water ice. Gives me something to look forward too next month

My brain hasn’t been entirely dead, things have been going through it but mostly into personal spaces. Something I suppose I could share was a thought about love and loneliness. Like love there are different forms of loneliness, one to match each form of love. Which ever it maybe, when one comes to you or leaves you it will forever leave its mark on who you are. Which leads to the obvious, the more love you know, the more you open yourself up to potential pain. A downer but the opposite must be true as well. These words read like rules to this game of life I play with everyone. I wish I had more control over the pieces.

Somethings are best said without words.

Enjoy what you see,
Embrace what you feel.

Mass market entertainment penetrating my brain:

• Blades of Glory
• Madonna: American Life: I’m So Stupid, and Love Profusion
• The Corrupter
• DJ Strobe: Re:Made Volume One: Wicked Game
• Jem: Finally Woken: Come On Closer
• The Big Hit
• Benassi Bros.: Phobia: Rocket In The Sky (feat. Nann)

I really dig Madonna. Maybe you don’t and thats cool, we all open ourselves up to different things which in turn may open new doors, close others, burn bridges. They are simple choices but they define the future. What makes my head hurt is wondering about how many of those choices already have answers.

I’m not talking about fate, I do not believe in fate. What I do believe is that as more choices are made you are programming yourself, soon the choices are not so much your own as they are paths you follow. As you grow older you make fewer and fewer new choices. When do you stop making new choices? That day maybe the day you are locked into a world of predictability. Is your mind closed at that point? Or can you make a choice to have an open mind? Would that be the day you lost all your creativity? I guess I won’t know until the future is the past and I can reflect on these words again.

Socrates is going to court and runs into a buddy, Euthyphro, who is known to be knowledgeable about religion. Euthyphro says “What is dear to the gods is holy, and what is not dear to them is unholy” But Gods fight and what is dear to one is not for the other. Socrates suggest that the holy is loved by the gods because it is holy and it is not because they love it that it is holy. They go round in a circle of thought and end the conversation without an answer. Never the less its one of the better dialogs I have read.

More times than not the journey is where the fun is found. It is not where I end up that makes biking fun, its not where I die that is going to make my life worth living. I rather not reach the end, tease it till I’m too tired to push it any farther. Is that what is happening right now? Feeling a bit lazy and tired

Ever had a pain rush through your chest? A sensation that fills you and leaves just as it came? Standing there in the dark wondering why. Sometimes I am amazed at what control the mind has on the body. Observation turned to emotion, emotion turned to physical feeling. It is not unusual, its not what got me to sit down and write these words. I just wondered if there was a match for this that aligns with something good? Am I back to where I was the week before? Is this pain/sensation the very same one used to represent pleasure? Is it all about how I interpret the physical feelings through the emotions playing in my head at the time? It would seem so … It makes me think about how simple some of the systems in our bodies are and how complicated our minds make them seem.

The day before I saw an empty door way and wanted the impossible. Again my head making things complicated, the feeling was not welcome. Strange how your mind works with your wants and fears to play these tricks on itself. Sub-conscience experiments? I cannot say they are of the worse kind, because my greatest pleasures and some of my greatest pains come from the outside. Buttons I never knew were there until someone pressed them, buttons you cannot reach on your own, buttons you may not know exist. How many of these buttons are there for the world to use on me?